Shell Shocked

23rd March

Today was the day I was due to leave hospital. I was visited by the Pysch team once more and the housing officer whilst waiting for some transport to take me to the homeless shelter. I spent most of the morning full of nerves about what was going to happen to me. I’ll openly admit I really didn’t want to leave hospital as I felt safe there and the outside world scared me.

The only thing that made things slightly bearable for me was that I actually knew one of the people who was running the place I was going to (an old friend who I hadn’t seen in a few years) Sometimes the tiniest little things can get you through.

Arriving at my new home

At around 16:00 I arrived at the shelter and was introduced to Tony who ran the place with my friend. I was given a quick tour of the shared facilities and my room, as well as being told about the rules of the place.

You’ll more than likely find all of this truly overwhelming so don’t be afraid to take notes (if you can manage that) or ask again. After the last few days you’ll be on information overload & nothing will really be going in. Its safe to say I was in a daze & nothing was sinking in.

I then sat down with Tony and we went through the housing benefit forms which is really important. Thankfully I was very lucky in that Tony did all the forms for me as there was no way I could have filled in the forms without ending up in floods of tears.

On Your own !

The time eventually came when I was left on my own and I walked into my new room. As I closed the door everything became too much for me and I couldn’t stop crying, I was in my room in floods of tears and really scared about things from now on. Once the tears stopped I tried to unpack some of my clothes but it all became too much once again and I ended up screaming into the floor at what was happening to me until I got myself into a right state.

Don’t beat yourself up if you find un-packing too upsetting, sometimes its better to just leave it until you can handle it.

After a while I had to go out to get some food supplies from the local shops. In the weeks running up to my breakdown I wouldn’t go out without my headphones on as comforter to my help me with my social anxieties, but whilst in the state I was in I went out without them. It was raining whilst I was out so I had my hood pulled up to try to hide myself.

Very quickly I realised I was in real trouble as I was getting more distressed by the second. Without my headphones I had nothing to distract me or focus on and soon I found myself panicking and starting to cry. It was gone 18:00 and the roads weren’t overly busy, but it felt like all the houses around me were closing in as if they were as tall as skyscrapers, and even though there were only a few people around it felt like I was walking against a mass of people in London during rush hour.

Shell-shocked and in a State

I went into Morrisions but I was completely shell-shocked and did not have a clue what I was doing, what I needed to get or where anything was. I stumbled around the shop in floods of tears and literally couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I walked back the 10 mins down the road crying, luckily for me, the rain disguised the tears running down my face. Once back at the shelter I made myself a mug of tea Once again after I closed the door to my room the tears began to flow. Luckily for me the shelter had Wi-Fi so at least I could communicate with the outside world and Skype Rachel. Whilst setting up the laptop I kept breaking into floods of tears as I was finding everything upsetting. I found myself starting to worry about the fact that I only had 10 weeks here, what was going to happen next? How would I cope? Could I get through the night?

When you are in this state its of no surprise to start to think long term. Don’t even consider it, look 10 weeks away is like another lifetime right now. Hell, don’t even bother thinking about the next 3.4, 5 hours ahead or even the next day.  All that matters right now is finding a way to get through the next 5-10 minutes and keep repeating until you calm down.

Once I had taken some time to calm down I managed to have skype conversation with Rachel which was very emotional and upsetting for me as it made me realise how bad my life is right now. Rachel is there for me but I’m totally broken. It’s not long after finishing the call that exhausted, I fall asleep.

If you can use free Wi-Fi to get on Skype or Facebook use it as much as you can as this really can be a life saver. Although you won’t feel like it right now this really will stop you feeling so isolated and lonely. Right now things seem really hopeless and this another one of those extremely hard days that you’ll have gone through, you don’t know anyone here nor do you really want to right at this moment as you are in too much pain. Hang in there as things will get better (even though right now it doesn’t seem like it.)

 

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