Waves Of Sadness

22nd March

After yesterday’s psych session I’m worn out emotionally from opening up a lot of old wounds that I’ve kept buried. I am relieved that this time I am finally going to get the help I need though I am still panicking that where I am going to end up or if I am even going to get any help as I am now homeless.

I spent most of the morning listening to music in an attempt to try to stop me getting overwhelmed by my situation. In the afternoon I was introduced to a housing officer for homelessness.

This meeting is quite stressful as you’ll be asked numerous questions about your situation which you’ll probably find upsetting. At this point there is talk of a homeless shelter (if the council decide they have a duty to help you).  “I’m homeless & you ain’t sure if you are going to help me?”. 

Hanging in There

Once the meeting is done I was told  that they’d come back to see me in about an hour after she housing officer had spoke to her bosses & presented my case.

You’ll no doubt feel like I did (sick to your stomach) whilst you wait to here if you are going to be helped or kicked out on to the street.

Already desperate thoughts are forming in my mind and I’m already making plans of what I am going to go if I am told they won’t help me.  If I don’t get any help then I’ll make sure I take an even bigger overdose as I know I will not survive on the streets – It’s scary that here I am again contemplating taking my own life.  These thoughts are running riot as the housing office returns to inform me that the council have agreed to help me.

I’m not sure how to react to the news as even though it’s a relief to know I am not going to be on the streets I am petrified about what is going to happen next. I don’t want to be in this situation and I’m still not sure If I am going to make it outside of hospital. I’m told that I will be moving to the shelter tomorrow and this is pretty scary.

The Fear and The Sadness

By now I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster for 3 days and I’m spent. The hospital is a safe place and I’m scared of being on my own. Eventually everything becomes too much and I find myself crying my eyes out on my bed hidden away behind the curtain. I’m crying as much over what has happened as I am over my fears regarding what is about to happen. I just cannot control my tears and no sooner than they finally start to stop than they start again. For the next couple of hours I’m hit by wave after wave of sadness and I just cannot get control of myself.

At some point a young nurse called Kat came stuck her head round the curtain to see if I’m ok. Everything becomes too much and I break down in floods of tears again. She ends up sitting with me for a while and it did help.  I just want to stop crying but it feels like I’ll never stop. I really am so overwhelmed and worried about leaving hospital.

One Tiny Step at a Time

With my tears flowing and my distress rampant, I just want to stop crying but I don’t know if I ever will. Eventually I manage to make it 5 minutes without crying before starting up again. I know it wasn’t a mass of time but I did manage to make it stop. Maybe next time it’ll be a little bit longer. Finally the tears slow down and I manage to last an hour before I fall asleep. –

Don’t get down on yourself if it takes you a while to calm down if you are emotionally distressed. You’ve been through hell over the last few days & what’s ahead can appear to be scarier than anything you’ve ever faced.

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